Nature Journal #3: Edward Abbey's "Selections from the Journals"

I embarked on a sunset walk in Fort Worth to clear my head and get some much-needed fresh air away from my studies. As a senior graduating in May, this year has been filled with deep reflection. Reflection on how TCU has shaped me these past four years, reflection on the legacy I will leave behind, and reflection and anticipation about what is to come. The craziness of the school year absolutely consumes me—how could I be spending my time better, what am I not doing that I should be? When will I achieve ultimate happiness? 

Unfortunately, these thoughts are poisonous toward long-term growth. Allowing these questions to define who I am and what I do with my future is not conducive to my well-being. At the end of the day, there are always moving parts, always unpredictability, and always a clock counting down, only to culminate in a shared ending for everyone. No one is exempt from the circle of life. I am grounded in the fact that same sun sets for everyone all around the world every single day. 

To paraphrase Heraclitus, change is the only constant in life. 

Although I consider myself an eternal optimist, I can’t help but greatly resonate with Edward Abbey’s words revealing his pondering of death or the “unknown” in his “Selections from the Journals”:

“Is this why I awake so often, in the gray dawn, with a heart full of dread? fear? panic? What am I afraid of? I don’t know. The unknown?” (428). 

I often find myself spiraling about my ultimate fate—what will become of me, will I go in forever peace? However, I try to redirect this perspective of fearing for the worst, and instead, fixate on leading a life of fulfillment, pleasure, and purpose, while also challenging my preconceived notion of my worth.

I have always been a fervently dedicated student with an insatiable thirst for knowledge. But these qualities don’t come without their weaknesses. Through my life, I have been an avid learner, immersing myself in the school experience through academic rigor, club participation, and extracurricular experiences. I have joined every organization under the sun and rampantly fill my schedule sunrise to sunset with no breaks in between. As a senior, it is oh so easy to measure my worth by the job that I will hold after school, it’s title, and whether or not it is deemed commendable by my peers. But when is enough, enough? This sentiment is reflected through Abbey’s writings in “Selections from the Journals”:

“And yet—and yet—of course, I am not satisfied. There must be something more. Something more I wanted to do . . . or be” (426).

I do not want the worth of my life to be measured by my success at work or by certain accolades. I strive to be satisfied with the life I lead through devoted friendships, spending time with loved ones, finding passion and purpose in what I do for a living, and serving my community. Life is too short to not live it to the fullest, and I aim to keep and hold this mindset for all the years to come.